It Never Goes Away 2009

Today May 9, two years ago, we lost our precious Hanna.  She fought the valiant fight against poisons and kidney disease.  Her vivacious spirit lives on in our hearts.  We can watch her movies and catch the spark of her eyes in photos, but we can’t hold her or play with her. 

Even though two years have passed there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her, mostly with smiles, at her antics, her spunk, and her outward affection.  But I still shed a tear and my heart becomes heavy at times-she was such a great friend and it is hard not to have her here.  When I visit her site or read her stories my heart is filled with her spirit but is also empty from her loss.  Death is a part of life, but when one’s life seems to be lost unjustly; it makes the grief more intense, and perhaps making it linger a bit longer.  I'm often filled with “what ifs” yet knowing, that won’t help or bring her back.  It is the nature of love that makes us question, want, need, and hope.  If we didn’t care, nothing would matter and the world would be a cold place.

I am lucky…I can feel the love of a dear friend and mourn the loss of that love and companionship. I can fill my heart (and her book) with her stories, memories, and pictures.  I’ll always have that, and her.  No one can ever take away my Hanna from my heart.  Until we meet again…my little squirt!

My Blessings, My Dogs

Brown eyes sparkle with playful hearts,

Compact bodies so strong and smart.

Inquisitive always, curious at will,

Ready to play, or just be still.

Reaching my hand, I always find,

Nothing that compares, to humankind.

Faithful and loving, devoted friends,

Ready to play, eager to defend.

My dogs are with me no matter where,

In times of fun, or loss or despair.

A treasured gift from God above,

To show us all the meaning of love.

© D. Smith-Mansell 2005

Another Birthday, Nov 2009

Another year gone by and a reminder is here once again…November 1^st, a very special “Hanna day.”  Today would have been her 15^th birthday.  Secretly I always thought she’d make it this far, but whether at the hand of an uncaring pet food company or through nature itself, she isn’t.  It is a day filled with tears and smiles as Hanna always loved her birthdays.  She knew it was her day and she took ever opportunity to let me know she was ready for the cake and presents at any time.  She’d follow me around (more than usual), and make attempts to gain my eye contact.  If I reminded her of the special day, she’d often spin into a 360 degree turn, and trot around me.  She could barely wait for the presents.

Hanna was so in tune with the world and celebrations, nothing passed her by!  She truly enjoyed every moment and demonstrated great anticipation at “things to come.”

It became a bittersweet day for us in 2008 as this day, Hanna’s birthday, was the day we picked up Lil’ Maddie to join our family.  Not surprising, she seems to have a lot of Hanna’s traits.  Some times I have to look twice, and many times, I have called Maddie, Hanna.  But there are many differences, just as there are differences in humans, siblings, and other pets.  However, I do reserve the right to think and see my precious Hanna in Maddie.  I’d like to think that a piece of Hanna returned in Maddie, just as a part of Fallon seemed to have returned in Rori.  The circle of life continues.

Whether these feelings and thoughts are truths or concepts I want to believe, is of no great consequence, for I hold tight to the knowledge that one day, we ALL will be together, forever.  And we will see the pureness of God in our all our relationships.

What Money Can’t Buy November 1, 2011

Hanna’s birthday, always brings bittersweet emotions.  I still long to see her prance about my feet as her “birthday” was announced, but my heart breaks when I remember the way she died.  While reality tells me it would be unlikely that she would still be here today (she’d be 17), I still believe her life was cut shorter due to toxic pet food.  How many other innocents died because of this?

The Pet Food Class Action law suit was finally settled, and we received minuscule amounts in comparison to how these poor animals suffered, all because they ate! The ironic part here is that while the pet food company readily admitted the cat food my Kearsey ingested had problems, they NEVER admitted to Hanna’s special food having issues.  Time after time I called the company with my concerns as to certain ingredients and each time I was met with a scripted response and denial of any issues with the products.  My thoughts always being, if a pet who already had compromised kidneys ingested even a small amount of any toxin, it would be fatal, and it was in Hanna’s case.

While the company denied any problems with the special food Hanna was eating due to her kidney issues, I received a settlement for her.  What does that say?  Fortunately, I had kept exemplary medical records and documentation, and when it came time to file for the class action, I included Hanna’s information as well as Kearsey’s.  I filed a claim for her even though I was told it would probably not receive any attention.  Well, the notice of settlement came out earlier this summer and I received two, one for poor Kearsey, and one for Hanna.  My heart broke all over again at the recognition of these two precious pets dying at the hands of someone else, it all became a reality once again.

When the settlement checks arrived a few months later, I cried.  My precious friends were taken and suffered and I held two checks in my hand meant to compensate for their suffering and their lives.  It didn’t even cover the cost of those emotions, let alone the suffering they endured.  Shame on those pet food companies who weren’t more vigilant in protecting their consumers!

We donated their “blood money” to a local shelter, along with a plaque in their honor

that reads: Given in Loving memory of two cherished friends taken by the pet food crisis of 2007.  May the price they paid help others.  Hearts broken, lives lost, sadly missed…

It didn’t need to be!

So I say…

Happy Birthday my sweet Hanna-know that you live on in our hearts.  We love you!

Sending our hugs and love to those who are with you; Darby, Fallon, Kearsey, Brin, Shanna, Jad, Jace, Pete, Shane, Mandy, Skampy, Skippy, Pepper, Brandy-we miss you all!

A Smile…and a Twinge (Nov 2010)

Today, Nov 1, 2010 would have been Hanna’s 16^th birthday. I know it’s a stretch but she might have made it this far if it hadn’t been for other issues, like kidney disease and toxic pet food.  I try very hard not to focus on those things but admittedly, it can be difficult some times.  Most times however, I can now (FINALLY) remember the wonderful days with this precious little pup.  Oh how she filled my life and heart with her spirit, her spunk, and her drive to enjoy!  I can still see her quickly glance in my direction with a spark in her eye, just waiting for the next adventure.  She was so in to life-it takes my breath away when I visualize her.

This year has been a difficult once again, as in April we lost our precious Darby, Hanna’s “mother.”  Now Darby wasn’t really Hanna’s mother, but they did come from the same breeder and Darby was a mother hen to little Hanna.  Darby was almost two when she was brought home while Hanna was just a pup.  So needless to say they were pretty inseparable-very different personalities, but very similar too.

Darby was very quiet, and viewed the world with wide eyes and caution at times.  She loved everyone and everything but she was very much reserved, unless there was a squirrel in the yard.  Hanna on the other hand, was “let me see,”  “I have to look,” and “Hey what about me?”  No matter their differences, they loved and respected each other.  One always looked for the other, and as Darby began to slow on our walks, Hanna would always turn around and some times go back to her, just to make sure she was okay and still coming.  They slept together, and played and ate together.  I know Darby felt lost when Hanna passed, she’d just look and look for her, and if one happened to mention her name, her ears always perked.

Darby was a very gentle soul, whose greatest joys were lying in the sun on the cool green grass, harvesting and snacking on pears from the tree, getting a belly rub, and eating.  She liked all the other things most dogs do too but, the above were her favorites.

Even though she was 17, it was still hard when she passed, because it was not expected.  Not to say that we thought she’d live forever, we knew her time was growing precious, but it all happened too suddenly….and then she was gone.  And now Hanna and Darby are together again.

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I glanced behind me, and there sat Hanna.  Actually…it was Maddie.  For a split second I had an instant rush of good and bad emotions flood my being, sending a twinge of pain/hurt to my stomach.  Once recovered, in a matter of seconds…I smiled.  I thought of Hanna and how she would often sit behind me almost making sure I could see her in the mirror.  She always seemed to search my face for eye contact.  Hanna always wanted to “see” what I was thinking. 

I miss her stretching across the floor in happiness and I miss her stretching up her front paws to be picked up.  But most of all I miss holding her and just having her here, and Darby too.

So from her web page hopefully to her heart-Happy Birthday Squirt!  And Darby…we miss you!

Connections November 1, 2012

Another year and today…another Hanna birthday without Hanna.  She would be 18.  While it is a far stretching concept to think that she might still be here, this day still brings tears to my eyes and a smile to my heart, for Hanna truly loved her birthdays.  Actually she loved everybody’s birthday as she new celebrations brought presents, and goodies and photos-everyone was happy and that was Hanna always…Happy! When one would announce that “Happy Hanna” was here, she would proudly prance about the room seemingly smiling and looking at any one who might notice her.

This year we suffered another loss of a great and dear friend-Trevar our Scottie left this earth tragically in August.  The pain of his loss is still raw and I often find myself breaking down without obvious provocation, except a thought or a realization-he isn’t coming home.  This happened just this past week.  We were away for a few days; the dogs were boarded at their favorite “spa.”  When we arrived home and I looked forward to the following morning when I would pick up my canine crew, it hit me.  Trevar would not be among the troops.  I wept.

Through the years, as pet owners often do, we have lost some precious friends.  In reflection I enjoy remembering each one’s special character, their talents, and their individual way of showing their affection.  Each one filled my heart with their life and love, and left a hole when they passed away.  It hurts to consider the times of loss, but I try to focus on those many years of great fun, laughter, and closeness.  It is kind of hard not to think of missing all that, but I guess it is an adjustment that we face for our life time, until it is our time to go.

It came to me just how connected my dogs through the years are not only to me but to one another.  As a young adult I found my first dog, my own-I picked her (more like she picked me).  That dog was Shanna, a Westie.  She was a wonderful friend-loved everyone and everything.  Shanna came to live with us and our older Scottie named Shane (he was my sister’s dog-he didn’t do well with apartment living so he came to live with us). Shanna loved Shane, but then Shane died.  She was heartbroken. I eventually got her a companion, a Scottie named Brin.  They became the best of friends!  They went everywhere with me and always looked out for one another.  When Shanna passed away at almost 14, Brin mourned terribly.  The neighbors heard her crying during the day-something a Scottie would never do.  She was as heartbroken as I.  While I myself could hardly bear the pain of loss, I felt for Brin in her loneliness and rescued a two year old westie, Darby. But then of course I also saw a puppy which came to join our family as well.  That puppy was Hanna. Tragically six months after Shanna died and one month after I brought Brin her friends, she passed away.

So for a few years if was just Hanna and Darby.  But then I missed having a Scottie, so Fallon joined our family-we were complete once again!  I called this crew my reverse oreo cookie dogs-Hanna (white), Fallon (black), Darby (white).  We had many travels and lots of fun together and then loss hit again.   Fallon, at the tender age of two and half lost her life after a surgical procedure-shock and dismay ensued.  More heartbreak!

It would be three years until I was emotionally able to add another Scottie.  Trevar joined Hanna and Darby and our family.  We were once again complete!  Places to go and people to meet!

A few years later Rori, another Westie joined our family-the dynamics of the group blossomed. We shared a great life and many good years but as always life doesn’t  go on forever.  With anger and great disillusionment   I watched Hanna lose her life from poisoned pet food. I was/am bitter.

Darby, Trevar, and Rori were great companions and enjoyed playing with each other.  They too went many places and met many people.  All dogs were certified therapy dogs and loved meeting people!

With Hanna gone, I couldn’t  help feeling something was missing. I needed that fourth dog vision.  Reluctantly (because the loss is so hard to handle), Maddie another Westie came to live with us. Everybody loved Maddie, and all Maddie wanted was to be loved-so it all fit well!

Two years later Darby passed away at the age of 17.  Since was a rescue and I got her when she was two, I always told her she owed me at least two more years.  I think she did well!  She was the gentlest, sweetest dog, and she actually tended and raised all the youngsters who came through our doors.

I vowed no more dogs as the pain of their loss was just too great for me.  However….Logan joined our family over a year later.  She is truly the baby of the crew and absolutely loved snuggling with Trevar, and of course romping in the yard with everyone.

And this year…we lost Trevar.  Oh yet another hearbreak!  So now it it Rori, Maddie, and Logan…sadly, no Scottie.

My point in this reflection in honor of Hanna’s birthday is that it has occurred to me, just how each “group” of dogs that have graced my home, have touched each other’s lives, and been a part of a group that continues to this day. There has always been one dog that has “joined” the next group, and welcomed the new members.  Shane with Shanna, then Shanna with Brin.  Brin with Darby & Hanna, and Darby & Hanna with Fallon.  Darby & Hanna with Trevar, and Darby, Hanna, & Trevar with Rori.  Darby, Trevar, & Rori with Maddie, and Trevar, Rori, Maddie, with Logan.  And now…Rori, Maddie,and Logan.

They shared their lives with each other and in turn passed a piece of themselves on to the group that continues to this day.  Remaining ones remember those that passed from their group at the mere mention of a name.  So a part of each dog stayed in the group and when one leaves, a small piece goes, but the memory stays alive as we remember, look at videos, photos, and close our eyes and dream.

I have been blessed with many things in my life, but my dogs (all my pets) are my heart.  God chose them to be with me.  I am lucky.

So for this day, a special Hanna day…with tears and smiles…I say Happy Birthday Squirt!  Miss you always!  Take good care of your buddies, especially Trevar right now!  Know how much you are all missed…until we’re together again! Smooches!

Darby, Hanna, Trevar, and Kearsey not only live on in my heart but they live on the pages of my children’s book, The Smith Family’s New Puppy-Helping Children Cope with a New Family Member.